The Last Day Off

THE DAY OFF

Simon is a Manager in a busy Government Department. His boss, Paul is talking to him on the phone.

SIMON:      Paul, its Simon.

PAUL:         Yes, hello Simon. How’s things? Good weekend? Janelle and you have a nice night out on Saturday night? Now what can I do for you?

SIMON:      Paul, its about Gerard..

PAUL:         Gerard? Gerard Creely? What about him?

SIMON:      I’m afraid he………….he um………………

PAUL:         Don’t tell me he’s away again?

SIMON:      Well he won’t be in I’m afraid, you see……..

PAUL:         Oh for FUCK SAKE! That’s it, I’m completely over Gerard’s attitude. Its just not good enough Simon. Just not good enough.

SIMON:      Paul, can you just hold on a minute…..Gerard died on Saturday.

PAUL:         Well I don’t care. Its one thing after another. He had a car accident in February, he was overseas at a wedding in March, the flu one week, a sick Grand mother the next, a so called heart attack last week and now you’re telling me he’s dead and won’t be in. Its just very poor form Simon. Very poor form indeed.

SIMON:      Yes, Paul, but….

PAUL:         Does he have a Doctor’s Certificate?

SIMON:      He’s dead Paul.

PAUL:         OK then. A Death Certificate? He’d better have one or else its going to be a hard road home for him I’m afraid. You know, we can’t carry people Simon. Every one has to be responsible for themselves you know. I made it in to work today. I would have like to have stayed home, but you don’t see me with a sick Grand Mother. You don’t see me dying. I came to work.

SIMON:      OK, but..

PAUL:         Where would we be if we all stayed at home and died every weekend?

                   (Long pause)

SIMON:      (Uncertain) In the ground?

PAUL:         In the ground! That’s right. In the ground! And where would McArthur Manufacturing be then Simon? It would be in the ground with us my friend. In the ground with us. That’s right.

                   So, what I want to see…..are you listening Simon? What I want to see is a death certificate on my desk first thing tomorrow morning or Gerard is going to have to reconsider his future here with us. That’s right. Reconsider.

TWO HOURS LATER SIMON IS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH JANELLE, THE SECRETARY.

JANELLE:   So did you call his family.

PAUL:         I did. I had to leave about six messages before one of them called me back.

JANELLE:   So who called you? What did they say?

PAUL:         It was his brother Don. He told me to stick McAurthur Manufacturing up my arse and told me he was going to come around and belt fuck out me.

JANELLE:   What are you going to tell Paul?

Phone rings….

                   Hello? Yes Paul he’s here. I’ll send him in.

Simon enters Paul’s office.

PAUL:         Hi Simon. Come in. Sit down. Rough morning? I bet. I know this is hard on you. You’re a staff member down and you’re trying your best, I know, I know. You’re a trier. That’s why I like you.  So, I’ve decided that I’m going to have to let Gerard go. I know I said we could wait to get his certificate tomorrow morning, but I’m afraid his performance hasn’t been up to scratch. Bascially, he’s not a team player. That’s right. Not part of the team. So I’m going to have to let him go. I’ve drafted a letter for Janelle to type up….she can do 70 words a minute you know….That means it will take her about 3 minutes to write this letter. I count the words and then I time her to see what she can do. Amazing. You should see her little fingers go……so I’ve written the letter and that’s that. He’s gone. He’s no longer here….. (Paul makes a sign with his fingers to represent inverted commas)…IN THE GROUND!!! As you said. That’s a good one Simon. A good one. I like that analogy. I think I’ll use it at the Board meeting next week. Yes. In the ground.

SIMON:      But Paul…..Gerard really is dead. He died on Saturday.

PAUL:         Well, that aside Simon you have to admit he hasn’t been performing so I don’t think that’s really the issue. I’ve spoken to HR about it and basically if he’s not performing we can let him go.

SIMON:      But he’ll go anyway

PAUL:         Well that’s good for him. You wouldn’t want to try and hang around a place when you’re not wanted and frankly Simon, we don’t want him. He’s no longer a part of the team. He’s  (Paul makes a sign with his fingers to represent inverted commas again)…IN THE GROUND!

SIMON:      Please stop saying that Paul.

PAUL:         They’re your words Simon and good ones. They sum up the situation perfectly.

SIMON:      That’s because he’s really dead.

PAUL:         And he’s no longer part of this team. That’s right. Not part of the team. We’re a team here Simon. You, me, Janelle, Ronny the little retarded kid who licks the bags, Phil in accounting, all of us. We’re a team. Well now there’s no Gerard in that team. That’s right. No Gerard in the team.

ONE WEEK LATER

Simon knocks on Paul’s Door.

PAUL:         Come in? Oh Hi Simon. How are you? Did you have a nice weekend? Good. Glad to hear it. Come in and sit down. All friends here. Would you like a coffee? I’ve just asked Janelle to run down to the coffee shop and grab one. I can call her if you like? They make a nice Cappuccino or Latte? No?

SIMON:      I just wanted to let you know that I’ve had a phone call from Gerard’s lawyer.

PAUL:         Lawyer? You must be fucking joking? What does he want?

SIMON:      They’re suing us for unlawful dismissal.

PAUL:         They’re what?

SIMON:      Well they’re claiming that we shouldn’t have sacked him after he died.

PAUL:         Fuckem’ Simon. That’s right. Fuckem! He’s been nothing but trouble since we employed him. Away all the time, sick and dying one week, it was always something with Gerard. Always something.

SIMON:      I know Paul, but we probably shouldn’t have sacked him. He wasn’t going to come back anyway.

PAUL:         So what are they worried about? For God Sake! You can’t win can you. You try and run a business, a good business by the way. I’ve built McArthur Manufacturing up from the brink you know. From the brink!

SIMON:      I know Paul, but if you’d just left it alone he wouldn’t have come back to work and it all would have worked itself out.

PAUL:         Well I decided to work it out for him. I’m over it Simon. You don’t think I often feel pressure too? I’d love to take days off and not come in sometimes, but I can’t. Hard decisions need to be made and I make them. And when it comes to Gerard? Well I made that one too. He’s gone.

                   He’s “IN THE GROUND”.

SIMON:      Paul! Please stop saying that. Its bad enough that we have to deal with his lawyers, but when you keep saying “IN THE GROUND” it makes me feel terrible.

PAUL:         Well I don’t know why you should feel terrible Simon. They were your words. I used them at the Board Meeting yesterday and they loved it. They loved it. Loved it.

SIMON:      Well its in pretty bad taste Paul.

PAUL:         No Simon. I’ll tell you what’s in bad taste. Suing an employer who did its level best to keep Gerard on. What more could we have done. We gave him every opportunity and still nothing. 

SIMON:      Yes but…..

PAUL:         But nothing Simon. Not even a death certificate when I expressly asked for one. I can tell you the next staff newsletter will have some very interesting information about days off.